These five principles apply when parents are making decisions for their children after divorce:
1. MIMIMIZE LOSS
Your child is losing the benefit of a home with two parents. Try to prevent other unnecessary losses, such as the family house. Try not to change schools, friends, neighborhoods, or day-care providers.
2. MAKE SMALL CHANGES
Your child will adjust more easily if daily routines are kept close to the same as they have been. Short visits to a secondary home should precede long ones. Short vacations should precede long ones. Overnight time-sharing should begin with single nights and increase to greater blocks of time.
3. MAKE GRADUAL CHANGES
The child who develops competence at any level of development will move more easily to the next level of growth. Allow time after changes before additional changes are made. Increase time-sharing gradually.
4. COMPROMISE
Make offers and take offers from your former spouse. Conflict is reduced by an attitude of neutral problem-solving. Brainstorm possibilities when there appears to be an impasse in agreement. Learn to communicate directly with each other, not through your child.
5. KEEP THE BOUNDARIES CLEAR
Internalize the fact that you are a separate person from your child. Your child will continue to love both parents. Do not share marital issues with your child. Do not draw your child into your own sadness by communicating your emotional needs unnecessarily. Do not cry in front of your child or tell him that you miss him when he is with the other parent. Remember that the parent takes care of the child – the child does not take care of the parent.
