Most parting parents experience some degree of conflict during and after divorce. Separation is a painful process, and disagreement is understandable. Research shows, however, that all children who witness or share in conflict between parents are harmed by it. Parents need to realize that their words and behavior are powerful predictors of their child’s adjustment and happiness. Many need to develop better self-control for the sakes of their son’s and daughter’s well-being.
Conflict is defined as disapproval of the other parent, arguing, and in the worst case, violence. When a child is told negative things about her parent, when she hears loud or abusive arguing, or when she sees hitting and pushing, she becomes excited, usually unable to manage the unpleasant feelings.
About half of children respond with behavioral problems when they are exposed to conflict, becoming aggressive and un-manageable. The other half blame themselves instead, trying to stop the conflict, taking sides, or attempting somehow to pacify the angered parent.
No parent intends to harm a loved one by inflicting this kind of secondary abuse on the child. But experts who study the effects of Divorce are convinced that the level of conflict the child experiences is by far the most important factor determining the child’s sense of security.
For the sake of their children, parents need to lower conflict between themselves, resolve personal issues, and move on to a more harmonious, re-structured lifestyle as soon as possible.
