The emotional process of divorce begins before the physical separation and continues even after a decree is granted. It requires a series of adjustments on everyone’s part. In addition to the legal arena of dividing assets, there is the social change, the economic reality of supporting two households, and, most important of all, the every-day task of continuing to parent your children.
Divorce for children means dealing with loss; loss of one parent’s everyday attention and sometimes the loss of a parent’s presence altogether. Divorce also creates a series of losses for parents themselves: of their hopes and dreams, of a relationship, and many times a loss of financial stability. All aspects of divorce may create feelings of being over-whelmed.
Despite these emotional and physical hardships, parents are still expected to attend to the needs of their children as the family learns how to cope. Your children need your help to understand that they are not to blame for the divorce, that they are still loved by both parents, and that they will be taken care of.
STAGES OF GRIEF:
Grieving always occurs in divorce and separation. Our description of the grief process is adapted from Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s work with death and dying. In divorce, spouses grieve the loss of their hopes and dreams. Children grieve the loss of their intact family – perhaps the loss of a parent or family home. As parents and children try to cope with their emotions, they develop protective barriers or defense mechanisms in efforts to manage intense feelings. These barriers can be understood as the stages of grief.
DENIAL · ANGER · BARGAINING · DEPRESSION · ACCEPTANCE
Not all stages of grief are experienced by everyone, and more than one phase can occur at the same time. As children grow you may find them repeating some of these phases. The better able parents are to resolve the conflict of divorce, the more they can help and support their children through the stages of grief.
DENIAL – Inability to accept that the divorce is happening, pretending it is not true.
ANGER – Negative or hostile feelings created by the pain of divorce.
BARGAINING – Making arrangements or compromises in an attempt to save the relationship.
DEPRESSION – Normal sadness caused by the loss of the intact family.
ACCEPTANCE – Becoming able to enjoy life and plan for the future again.
